You always hear the "the calm before the storm", but when you're manic, there's also a storm that comes after storm too. Its one filled with exhaustion and regret...a trail of devastation left in its path. Sometime I think I'd rather be an alcoholic than bi-polar. Alcohol is tangible; you can see and watch how it effects people. But a mental illness can not be seen; and people really have hard time understanding things that they can not see. To them; there reality should be everyone's reality. - Please don't misunderstand; I'm by no way suggesting that everyone should be like one another. but the is a genuine expectation that most people have a common core belief and they know how to act. So when someone acts different than them, it scares them. And the person with the mental illness can't explain it; You can't explain what it is to be happy if someone doesn't what being sad is like;
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When Bobbye Sue was a Brownie her Girl Scout Troop did an experiment where the had to try to put toothpaste back into its tube. Impossible, right? The point was to teach the girls that the words we say can hurt others and that once we say them we can't take them back. O, we say we're sorry and that we didn't mean it, but it's out there. Having a mental illness is a lot like this too. Sometimes you say or do stuff because of you mental illness that still hurts people. Others may know that you don't mean it or may not even be able to control what you did. But, it still hurts them. And they have the right to be hurt. The have to learn to process your mental illness too, and, no mater how much they love you, what we do say can hurt them. My first reaction is always to say; "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. This tells them; "well, its all about me and if you get hurt oh well, I'm sorry. When I am in a clear frame of mind, I am sick over how I make others feel. I have to understand that I did hurt them and that's it OK for them feel hurt. Realizing this is the only true way to healing and forgiveness. I loved the Bangle's song "Just another Manic Monday" when I was a teenager, As friends and I sang and danced around our bedrooms. I didn't realize the truth this song would hold for my life. Although, looking back now, we think I suffer from Bi-Polar as early as 11. Bipolar disorder is a condition that features extreme shifts in mood and fluctuations in energy and activity levels that can make day-to-day living difficult. (MedicalNewsToday). I don't mind the depression~it's slow and more to my natural pace. I cry and i sleep a lot. (Yes, I know I sleep WAY too much and not good for me, but I prefer it to the MANIA. Mania is a phase of bipolar disorder characterized by sustained periods of abnormally elevated mood and other behaviors considered extreme or exaggerated. (medicnenet.com) I hate the mania!!! Staying awake for days at time. Racing thoughts that I can't harness. Saying things to my husband and the kids that I might say in a more tactful way or not at all if I wasn't in a "manic" state. I can't even calm my mind enough to pray or read my bible during this time ~ which is when need to most. Very few that don't suffer from Bi-Polar disorder can understand it. I've been married for 20 years and this is still a mystery to my husband, Barrett. He does recognized the signs that I'm going into a manic episode before I do. I actually think that the medicine Vraylar"s commercial is the best example of Bi-Polar disorder. It share stories of people who seem really hyper and productive but they are living in house made of cards. This is the perfect example of mania because you know sooner or later you know the house of cards will collapse. Bi-polar disorder, as most mental illnesses, differ from person to person. The treatment have to be personalized to each person, and may only lessen the intensity of the manic episodes. There is actually two types of Bi-Polar disorder. Bi-Polar I and Bi-Polar II. Bi-Polar I is more intense than Bi-Polar II. Suicide is a very taboo subject;especially within the Christian church. "Thou shall not kill is the sixth commandment (Exodus 20;13). Suicide is the act of voluntarily and intentionally taken one own's life ~ thus breaking the sixth commandment. To most people this an open and shut case; you don't kill others OR yourself. However, for people who have a mental health problem, it may not be that simple. People with mental health issues may feel like it's the only way out. There are some who honestly think the people around them; the people they love most, will be better off without them. Why some people may just decide in a blink of an eye to kill themselves and do so, 8 out of 10 suicides or suicide attempts are planned or the person shows warning sign of suicidal thoughts and/or behaviors beforehand. Suicide can be seen as a very selfish act ~ and in so situation in might be. In all situation THE SURVIVORS are left picking the pieces. But for the most part, I don't think people who attempt or commit suicide do it just to spite someone. It's a personal thing, and I do think a lot people grieve over it before they make that final decision. I think a lot of people contemplating suicide don't speak out because the feel like they'll be criticized and judge for even the thought of killing themselves. Sometimes, well-meaning friends or family members will say. "Well, you just shouldn't feel that way." Suicidal thoughts are not something you can simply turn on and off with the flip of a switch. Many people believe if someone kills themselves, they win a one way ticket to Hell. We are told in verious scriptures in the bible not to judge. I think, like in any situation, God looks at and judges the heart of each person *Although I tried to do some research on this topic, most of this is my own opinion or from my own experience. So, PLEASE don't take this as absolute fact. I don't personally know anyone who's committed suicide. I have dealt with suicidal thoughts a lot in my own life, and that was the inspiration for this blog post. I pray the post is well received and is read by the people God intends it to be read by.*
Mental illness refers to a wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. Examples of mental illness include depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders and addictive behaviors This is the definition provided by the Mayo Clinic While there's is no one biblical definition of mental illness here are so bible verses on mental health. I think people, especially Christians have a hard time understanding Bipolar and mental illness in general because there is no set biblical view on it and mental illness is not tangible. If someone is depressed, you can only see the physical reaction to the depression; not what's causing it. A person's can look , can be, perfectly fine, But on the inside they're living in chaos. One of the things I personally HATE is when people say; "I don't know why you're so upset, you have so much going for you." Mental illness is not (generally) based on how much you have of how good you life. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain. "Well meaning" Christians can also say; "What sins have you done?" "You just have to pray more." or "You just don't have enough faith". (Now, before I go on, I do believe there can be issues where you need to confess something and/ pray more.) However, I believe true mental illness comes from something that's going on in the brain. Does this mean I shouldn't read scriptures? Absolutely not. Reading scripture, signing hymns and praying can and does make me feel better. But for me, I also need to take my medication to help control my Bipolar. In fact, if I get off my medicine; my mind rockets into chaos to the point where I can't focus enough to read, pray or sing hymns. I've always been just a little of and it's not just because of the physical side of my disability. I'm hyper emotional. I can sleep for days on end and then be so hyper I'm awake for 48 hours straight. I can go from happily bouncing off the wall to pulling my hair out and spitting nail s mad in a blink of an eye.
We think it started when I was about 11 or so. It was confused, (I believe) with the normal teenage hormonal acting out. I saw different doctor. I wasn't put on on medication (I strongly refuse medication and can't remember my parents view. I was - I am - selfish. The thought of my physical care is always my first thought: who going to take care of me. I know this is viewed as selfishness l but I think it stems from the thought; Who's going to take care of me physically so I can take care of what I need to do? When the kids were little, I had the thought in the back of my mind that - especially if something happen to Barrett - I would be deemed as a unfit mother who couldn't take care of her kids and they would be taken away from me. Bipolar can be genetic, my grandmother, and possible my father, was bipolar. The chances of being bipolar are also increased when a person has suffered from a traumatic brain injury (brain damage) I've been on medication since Dalton was born; I had postpartum depression. I wanted to throw him out a window to see if he would fly. (Always knew he was a super hero). I loved him, I just wanted to see him fly The meds help for a while. Ever couple of year I have to change have them readjusted because my brain gets used to the meds. Bipolar is very hard, not only on the individuals who has it, but also for the friends and family of that person. Unless you are the actual person who has it, its hard too understand it. I know I can't explain it. It can be very hard on others because it's so erratic and confusing. Mental health, in genera,l is almost like a language on it's on. I would love to fly to Paris, but I can't talk to anyone because I don't speak French. It's much the same with being bipolar. I also think that being is different for each individual, just as most diseases and conditions are. My issues and insecurities that trigger my bipolar symptoms or probably total different from someone else. It's very personal. No one likes to be view as week. There's a constant free of what others may think. There's always a fear for me about having episode in public. Something that may start out as an anxiety attack, can quickly blow up into a major temper tantrum. Family and friends are constantly holding their breath, wondering what kind of mood I'm going to be in. It can caused embarrassment to family members, especially kid; turns out it's not cool to have the "crazy mom". It seams to be getting as I age, as many neurological issue do. It seam to occur more and more often. I guess the older and crankier, the worst my bipolar symptoms get. May is mental health awareness month. I didn't know this when I though about doing a blog series on Christianity and mental health. I decided to do this because I do struggle with mental health while being a Christian. I've hid it, denied it. lied about it, blamed others for it , blamed myself and yes, I've even blamed God for it. I take my medicine, I pray for it to go away and I've even attempted things like banging my head against a wall to reverse it. While praying and taking my medication helps, I cannot deny any longer that I do struggle with mental health and have for most of my life. I have Cerebral Palsy caused by being strangled by the umbilical cord during birth. A lack of oxygen damaged my Cerebral Cortex, which not only controls my muscles, but also my emotions. I tend to get overly emotional over most things. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder: Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior. ... You can think of the highs and the lows as two "poles" of mood, which is why it's called "bipolar" disorder https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/mental-health-bipolar-disorder One thing that I struggle with most is a fear of not being able to take care of myself. I'm not really afraid of being alone, but as far as being able to take care of my physical and financially, I'll probably never be to . I know that I do have people who will take care of me. It's a control thing. I never considered myself a "control freak", but looking back on my life, I can see where I was (am) a control freak. Weather or not I can always control my emotions, when I don't take the time to breathe and pray, I'm going to go overboard every time. Hrowever, when I take the time to breathe and pray, I can usually lessen the blow and the time that I am upset. Unfortunately, I don't stop and do this as often as I should. Trying to control something that is impossible to control is insane. Albert Einstein is credited with saying; "The definition of insanity of doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. I guess I keep expecting if I continue to have a negative reaction to a situation then it will result in a positive reaction. Logically, I know that this scenario will never work out, but in my warped mind, I see it working as the perfect solution. |